ether by sea or sky. Mire at the shallow end of your subconsiance. Slowly sliding into the warm vortex. we all have seen it. its in the absance of all thaught. and once your in all you want to do is get out. eyes that were once flush with the edge of the table have somehow mannaged to take intrest in anything thats out of reach. We reach out by reaching in. i think that was her problem in the first place. alweys looking for that something that didnt exist. isnt that all of our problems. come to think about it, that sounds like my problem. i scramble to pick myself up from the pavement. it was almost as if once you fall theres no problem in the world. the pavement is soft and its almost as if a part of my soul transmuted. when i was little i had e reacurring dream. friends and family were looking for me or angry at me. I was on the sidewalk next to the side of my house. For some reason i didnt want them to find me i currled up into a ball and could hear them saying things. examining me. I currled deaper. if only i had found what i was looking for. its still there isnt it! i have to go back. it will be there but this time its guarded. Fuck if he didnt know what he was saying it was starting to make sence in its own fucking way. <lol>whats wrong with sleeping on the side of the street it was great down there. the freedoms down there. i picked myself up in a daze fuck i was high. but when i look down the street all i see is problems. cars buisness. people with problems and stresses. stresses secretly built into us as we mold into this world and try to conform. nomatter what its never going to be free up here. earthbound i go for the fall again. just not the same. that jubalent moment has come and passes waiting for the next unexpected visit. so what is happyness and how do i find it? is it independince. is it the abuility to contract a robots disease at a range of 45 feet. is it the abuility to eat 2 bags of potato chips. half a pizza a box of wingdings some sunflowerseeds. oreos n stuffed browny icecap sucream. humans and ghosts thats all thats left when the scientists found out how to merge our demention and theres. but whod a thaught that they would have such bad table ma<whoa computer just restarted and i thaught i lost it all>ners. now i have this beast sitting in my house. we all do. our souls are too vast so they give us these things to drain a little of it out of us. chains somehow connect us to these things. howd he become the first astronaught and i have to just sit here. what the fucks there problem. how did they pick him. what did they tell him. I fucking see it. I fucking see that light at the end of the tunel. i was there in the doorway. it shined in my eyes. it told me that i could have it all but i wouldnt ever be the same. she broke it down for me. it was the appartment next door to my house when i was little. i went over there throught the attic once and obtained it. now its all over. all i can do is give you a half ass smile. it consumes my soul. thats when she told me she loved me and that she would alweys love me. left me without a name. a fucking basterd of a human. how fun is it to do all this when all you want to do is anything else. but if i could be doing anything else would i even have a clue what i wanted to do>>>>>>>theres things that i would like to see hapen but in the end it would all just be me. situations that i was in or will be in. i guess thats why we put ourselves in other peoples shoes or read or play in imaginary worlds. we just want it to not be us. we want it to be you or it. we want to do what we cant do. to pretend like we lived when all we did was watch them live. when all we wanted to do was be u alive in us...................(fin)

so my apprenticeship as a tattoo artest is 6 months deep. I have been working every day so far. Im going to put some new arts up tomorrow. my style has changed so much. Tomorrow my beautiful girlfriend is also going to grace me with a human figure drawing so im really pumped up about that. I need to sell my piece of shit truck and find some means of transportation...fun fun

Currently working on this piece of art for my brother in afghanistan, I really miss him and I cant even imagine how much he misses us. Away from everyone that he loves, reminds me of when i was in jail and it was about two weeks in. I had court that day and was sure bail was going to get dropped. I was so excited untill I got up to that prick of a judge and he basicly told me to fuck off. I saw my dad there and wanted nothing but to be back home. I looked into my dads eyes and asked if he was going to get me out soon. He was so angry all he could say was "whatever matt,"and shake his head. I know it wasnt an intent to hurt me but his words cut me like a knife. When i got back and locked up and all I could feel was lonelyness. I cried and cried for hours..... I Just hope my brother knows hes truely loved and that no matter how much he cries, know that hes not alone.

I GOTTA GET OUTA HERE! I JUST WANT TO GO FAR FAR AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK. MABY ILL GO DIE IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE